she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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