take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
