yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
