My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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