I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
