I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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