And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
