I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
