Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
