Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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