i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
