Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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