mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
