I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
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Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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