I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
