Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
