It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
