Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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