I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
