The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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