I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
