yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
