Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
