In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
