either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
