So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
