Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
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He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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