Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
