I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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