Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
