At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
