So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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