They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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