I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
