so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
