FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize