i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize