I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
