if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
