he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
