aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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