if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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