Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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