You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
