i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
