Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
false alarm. still invincible.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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