sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Houston, we have a blender
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
