im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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