I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
