Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
