I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
