she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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