just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
