I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
