I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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