i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
