new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
