Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
ttyl tear gas
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
